Imperfect

Just a little more cabernet in the glass. Kids are sleeping soundly after a day at Ehukai on the North Shore. Their dad has been staying up there - at his sister’s place in order to respect the distance I’ve been desperately trying to balance out peacefully between our messy passion and many intwined responsibilties the last few months. I’m getting brave here. Please keep this between us… these feelings I’m letting out on through the tips of my fingers onto the keypad… vulnerable. A word that plants you there in the depth of unknown when naked is all thats left. I can’t quite get naked yet… but I’m getting close.

Love is scary. the ultimate fear of most people in surveys across the country say public speaking is the greatest fear. However, speaking intimately in the face of rejection, to the people you seek the most reciprocation from is perhaps the fear that no one actually has the balls to test except a few lucky enough to have lost and therefore know there is nothing else worth it in life. The heart wants what it wants. listening to what is heart says verses what our environment taught us however, that is the real test. 

This talking out-loud thing - it’s a gift i have, people say. It’s also something i held in for so long that it is bursting out the seams. All I can collect safely here, tonight, is that truly, we draw to ourselves what we need at that time to enforce the path we have chosen, or opposite, be the wake up call that plays the alternatives out for our warning. 

Selena’s sultry sweet adulterated voice streams through my apple music “What hurts the most is people you know can go from people you know tp people you don’t.” I’ve been obsessed with her new album, Rare. I haven’t been so hooked to something screaming female emotions since Adele debuted.

If you didn’t know me when i wore overalls and no makeup in hippie, cow pastures and waterfalls weed county of Haiku, then you wouldn’t know that I was raised with no television, no nail polished allowed and very Christian… like I had memorized all the verses of the old and new NIV version of the Bible. Heck, maybe NIV is no longer the fad that was the favored translation in the 90’s. There’s been a battle with me and the God I was raised with for quite awhile… I mean, I haven’t joined a church by choice since age 16 when life moved me to Kailua, Oahu from the merely 3000 population in the jungle I had known. I love Kailua… no, I was not an EWOK, thank you. But I learned something about God and faith and the fight of good and evil in the having had a few long term relationships, a few flings, a few crazy times and some I’ll never tell you… hey, I started young, what can i say…

You cannot fight what you feel. That internal pull will win. Heart and head are not the same. Pleasing the heart might loose you everything else, but it will allow you to continue … verses becoming sick and angry by listening to the voices purely of the mind. I think the scariest thing to discover is that perhaps the idea you invested yourself into might not be the platter you ordered… it might even straight deceive you… and yet, if you still feel something after all is said and done, it has a reason to be there. that to be human, is to be… imperfect. But that what SURVIVES the pain of humanity, the confusion, the movies we play out can only be from your own inner knowing … knowing this day, this hour, this experience is what you need. Need. What is that. Not want. Not have. Not choice. But, will be inclined to impulsively seek it out in the place you yourself cannot logic. Need. And where is that God that was one to love throughout it all to soothe us? … in that moment of surrender, thats where you find that warmth and pleasure and…Home.

the nights like these. the wines that pair perfectly into that quiet, after dark evening of privacy, towel wrapped nakendness, chores forsaken, half hour of release… onto the pages, into the sheets, out in a breath, sometimes a cry, into the open, into the other, into the unknown… trusting the god we don’t see outwardly… trusting that animal, that tug, that … 

vulnerable. 

And so here I am, after “surviving crises” as a few therapists have said. “It’s no coincidence you are here. You somehow have found peace in the chaos, order in the uncontrollable, because something in this is real. You have a love that is real, Naomi.” 

Imperfect. Broken yet puzzled back together. string strums and unrehearsed acoustic. That’s where we are. 

Vulnerable. Unknown. Release. Love.

Don’t know if that is indeed what I am looking for. But I guess I need it. 

Bringing in Haea

We really can't fight nature. As a woman you know that from the day your menstrual cycles begin ... But sometimes we become caught up in the "schedule" of other people's ideals of life and find ourselves surprised or disappointed when it doesn't happen as we planned... That is especially the case I hear from others when the first child comes into their world - shakes up their worlds; proves the true winner is not the ego, but the steadfast heart. Some still hold onto their belief of self-super-heroism through those first couple years in denial that they must change their "habits" or "how they are" for this tiny, mostly unconscious, lesser being. But eventually something gives or else, the results years later yield no healthy fruit ... By the third child, you are ready. Ready for the chaos, the mess, the no schedule, the change of plans, the vulnerability, the lack of Independance, the giving without seeing any obvious return for months and months ... And this time, I'm at peace.  

Peace. Not a place I thought I'd be at. Preparing for the worse always makes the skies look clearer... They say the "energy" felt at birth is what shapes that personality, that relationship you have with them, that their looks and health stem from that seed planted on that day, at that time, with their backstory fertilizing them into the reality we become.  

The energy of this birth was freeing. This birth was healing. This birth was not something you could predict at all and yet it was the birth I felt the most security... It was about me trusting myself completely and feeling completely sure of myself when there was no one else to the rescue. And that's Haea. To breathe soverign life...

I had had been feeling contractions (that burning sensation deep in your tailbone and those deep squeezing in your groin and low hips - the uterus ) for over two weeks. No consistent increase to a steady pattern that could ensure a delivery was happening. And even though I was dialating and effaced over halfway since the end of March, I was still told be ready to race to the hospital at any time - every week that I had a check up, awaiting what I felt would come fast and strong. 

My sister was able to get a few days off of work to come help with the basics of house chores and physically lifting my preschoolers , lifting the boxes from recently moving (as lifting anything a little heavy can cause damages like back injuries, hemmroids, etc..), and help with driving (since the contractions would interfere with my ability to focus or maintain steadiness at the wheel). What was "surely my water breaking" ended up not being so, and so, the excitement of sis possibly seeing her first birth or meeting a day-old- baby came and went. When dialating, cervix thinning out more, and contractions still continued a week-and-a-half-later, my mom rushed to rearrange schedules and request immediate time off work in hopes of helping us with Elia and Kanai during my anticipated birth... But of course, only the day after she leaves did the contractions start increasing. A full day and a half after we have no more help coming from immediate family (as both sides live in outer island) is when baby decides to come. 

A friend had stopped over to visit that evening and casually joked bout what we would do if it happens in the middle of the night when we have no help, no daycare, and no midwife awaiting to rush over. Makani bluntly replies, "We are dropping the kids off at your house. " 😂 So, that was the plan - but of course you always need plan b and plan c - and if you've ever had labor pains, once they hit over 6cm dialated then you know you can't be dealing with a 4 and 2 yr old crying frantic and fighting you in their tired-tantrum when you uproot them mid-slumber to rush them into a house they've never slept at before...  so, a bit before midnight I felt it - like slowly increasing drums - that build up, that deepening pound on the ground, that crescendo for an hour. You can't sleep knowing it's coming, the drums pounding in your gut... I tried the sitter - (who was supposed to be busy in the early morning) and surprise she was awake, available, and willing to stay at our home throughout the next day. I had a feeling it was happening much faster than last time (was 10 hours with no medications for Kana'i, my second, and 16 hours for Elia - induced and with an epidural). So, I texted with her in her broken-English and sent texts to her daughter to translate into Portugese for her - directions to our new home that she had not yet been to 😅, where everything had been barely unpacked (from the recent move), what to do in the morning with the kids whom she had not ever Made breakfast for before, how to navigate our security system and codes around our home and how to access our wifi and that damn long access code. 😂 It was a test of faith for sure (Hand language helps 😉 ). And all while contractions are at a steady-every-five-minuets (I know you moms are cringing)... 

So, we got the hospital bags and water for me and a sweater for Makani as that hospital is cold and with no comforts for the dads. We stopped at 711 on Waialae to grab some snacks (spam musubis, of course)  - I mean hey, I am gonna work my ass off without any good food given to me once we check in so let's learn from the first two times and set ourselves up with some fuel before we go through hell 😀...

We checked in at 1 am. She was out by 5am. That's 4 hours of intensive labor. Nurse was surprised I was so calm and having contractions 3 min apart when we got there...  And even though I asked for no drugs, she kept offering pitocin to speed up the contracting - no. No. No again and we sure as hell didn't need to speed it up as it was already quickening (Pitocin causes more pain by the way if you Do take pitocin - I had it my first labor)... So I was sent walking in the halls since I wanted all natural - she thought it'd be a couple hours before I'd get the dialation speeding up (usually takes hours to get to 5/6cm and more to get to 7/8 when the "transition" really starts doubling in speed and pain). So I walked in that open-backed-gown, squatting through those cramping and heat burns - around and around for an hour and a half. Would keep going back to the check-in-room where I left Makani there to rest up before the home run (needed him to have energy to support me) to keep using the bathroom as you continuously do while you are in labor ... No one else was walking the hall (as everyone was getting epidural and the extreme numbing keeps you laying down in the bed to be safe ) but I wasn't lonely - I was actually able to relax more without anyone else around (unlike the other two labors that happened on full-moons when the hospital becomes extremely busy from "moon-chaos"). Sprayed myself with a mix of essential oils I made anytime I felt dizzy or naseuas - it's actually he only labor i didn't throw up in, thanks to orange, peppermint, and lavendar. 

A poor guy was standing outside of one of the delivery rooms as I walked by - he looked ghostly, tired like he hadn't slept in days, the skin sagging down his eyes and cheeks from the anxiety and insomnia - breathing deep in probally hours of shock ... He saw me smiling and looked like he saw pigs flying ... "First baby?" I asked. He nodded. Still in awe at me squatting the 48lb roundness - "It's baby number 3 for me. Don't worry - first one is really scary, it's long and it's shocking but it's normal. You are doing great." He nodded. Nurse told me later a husband of "another birthing mom" was shocked at the girl smiling down the laboring hall but that " she said its normal so it's gonna be ok. She's on baby number 3 so it must get better." Hehe... 😆❤️

My doctor or never made it to the birth (till the placenta was coming out 15 min later)... When I got back to the room and got "checked" (they stick their hand in to see how far your cervix opened) I was over 6cm. That means time for the birthing room. They also have to put in a mandatory IV in case your birth goes crazy and you need emergency Meds or something... Girl busted five of my veins and had blood spurting everywhere before she finally called an IV specialist (who put it in with one try no prob 🙄) - bruise lasted for two weeks. By the time we got through the IV horror and escorted into the big birthing-rooms - I'm at 7cm. You can't stay still at that point - not without Meds.

It was obvious this set of nurses I had (unlike last time) weren't used to all natural 😂😂 - the looks on their faces as I'm stripping off my robe and pacing frantically, breathing deep whoooooshy breathes, bending in all different positions to maintain through what feels like a steamroller juicing your insides every 5 seconds... They wanted to put a baby monitor strap on my belly that would keep me leashed and stationary to a pole (with monitor device). I asked them for the mobile one that has no attachments (I had it last time I birthed all natural) so I can move around since I'm not drugged and bearing the punches - took them 20 min to find one and by the time they figured out how to work it, I was squatting, butt-naked telling makani "I'm sh**ing out a baby right now!" They asks me to wait a few minuets for my doctor to arrive... Wtf - you can't hold in a 7-9 lbs bowling ball agaisnt Gravity, the god-damn squeezing machine (the uterus - god) with an open hole! 

...and that's what was kinda magical - that feeling like no one there really knew how to handle my animal self or my own knowing of my body, actually made me trust myself more, not less and ... Trust my spouse who totally showed his support amount all the chaos.

Makani trusted US. We both trusted US more than anyone else there. It was the first time He nor I were looking for guidance from anyone else during the vulnerable experience of birth... When the nurse busted my veins, Makani asked for a new nurse to take over the IV process. When a nurse took my blood pressure while I was mid-contraction and said I had high blood pressure, he told another nurse to check me when I wasn't mid-contraction. When a nurse kept offering me pitocin, I stuck to my wants and firmly said no and he followed... I went from 7 to 10 cm in 20 minuets - and the speed of that pressure on your body made me dizzy. When I yelled out for oil spray - he rushed over to spray me with, "Which one babe? Lavendar? This one? The mixed one?" Totally involved... He cleaned up the "mess" when the nurses weren't fast enough ... It was his voice that encouraged me through that 6 minuet push. That push felt like 7 hands ripping me apart from all sides of my crotch and he was right there holding me up, hands in, telling me how strong I was, getting bloody, getting excited to see the baby crowning ... While I thought for sure my tissues were severing in all angles...

I'll never forget that. Feeling it was meant to be. Feeling like there really wasn't anyone else there, but us. Our baby. Our birth. Trusting me. Him Trusting my lead. Trusting I was loved. Trusting this baby was doing what it's supposed to. Trusting God... 

Trusting Life itself.

and then...

its over.

the pain is over.

A wet bundle wiggles towards your breast and your body is still shaking, gasping breaths like you've been underwater nearly drowning, heart beating out of your chest... 

And I just remember Makani's voice, a hushed cry, "She's beautiful." 

It's all a dreamy blurr for those few hours afterwards - a high, laughter, a wave ...  

...Makani whispering to her in his arms still hasn't left me... And I still fell him holding my hand in the end ... 

The other births were not "bad" nor did they ever leave me feeling ashamed or weak or alone ... But there's a different experience for every child, every "person" and their energy that they bring in that day ... And this one was so much more pleasant than I imagined ... Sometimes the things that are most out of our control are the most beautiful of all ...

The Countdown

All of them sleeping before 10pm is a rare occasion in my life.

Elia, my oldest has always been a night owl since birth - sleeps solid straight through the night but will go all day without a nap and be navigating in the dark till midnight if you haven't worn her out. She's smart - that mind never shuts off - I mean, at 11 months old she would wait till we slept and somehow unlock our phones and download apps and games and the only way you knew she had been in there at 1 am the prior night was from her selfie record in your photo camera roll...

Kana'i is opposite - needs routine and consistent schedules to function healthy or its tantrums and colds. He is too honest and expressive to hide his secret plots (unlike quiet sis). He was always an early bird like his Daddy, up at 5am starving for meat - one of his first words was bacon for gods sake. He needs the nap in the day and the cuddling to fall asleep (unlike sister who pushes your arm away and sleeps alone fine) and lately, since he's talking up a storm now, he holds out his hand at the end of our nightly routine of eat, bath, brushteeth and hang-out time and says, "Mom (or dad), come. Hold me. Read story. Snuggle. Nigh Nigh. Say waoove you, Kana'i." Talk about a heart melt. This boy is so sensual with hugs and gently rubbing your leg and uses "Miss you," with puppy eyes at any sign of loosing chance... 

And here I'm about to get an entirely new personality in the mix. Another pull away from any moment of being able to pee in bliss or shower more than 3 minutes or have a phone call without screams for "MMAAAAMMMAAAA"...

Its not really the dilated at 1 cm that is the "oh ha," but the cervix lining being effaced over halfway that caught me. The cervix usually takes awhile to soften and thin down for labor to begin and that didn't happen on its own with my first - and was not this fast with my second either. But I hear the more you have, the faster they come. And it sure feels like I've had a hand sticking outta my crouch for a good couple weeks already. Lemme know if you see fingers. 

It's been heat cramping for a day. I guess thats the closest to the pre-labor cramping that I can remember. Everyone tells it different but I really didn't feel any "cramping" like people described to me with my first. I just notice some liquids escaping a few days before I was due without any real big moment - yet walked into my over-due-date appointment and they told me I was unknowingly contracting and loosing all my water. With my second, there was some heated pressing into my hips and groin now and then for a couple days and then boom, I woke up in the morning bleeding. And so now?

Tiger Balm. Icy Hot. Its like those muscle heat creams on fire with a thick handed man is squeezing your hips and pressing their thumbs into where your leg and groin meets for a few seconds at a time.

Pepper on your Tail bone. Like a warm drip straight in-between your cheeks started loosening your hips away from your spine - that was last night for a good ten minutes. 

This morning I had that urge to finish all the last pieces of the baby ready list - I had prepped baby powder (homemade - click here for recipie) and diaper rash ointment (homemade spray - see recipe to come) and stalked a few newborn diapers, burp cloths, swaddle blankets, mittens and socks into a basket. We set up the crib and playpen last week; I washed all the crib sheets. I bought a few breastpads (since I had a huge milk load that overflowed all day long with the first two) and made myself a recovery spray safe for those parts (see recipe to come). 

Today was the car - which I wish I could have video taped of my watermelon self having to rearrange things in slow motion and move legs around my belly constantly since I couldn't reach around this 45 pound belly nor see whats under it. And since we have a tighter garage space now, I had to drive and reverse in and out of the garage constantly in order to just get out of the car with a belly and hips (that don't hold tight at the moment) to be able to access the vacuum and outlet. Of course, Makani helped me finish once he got home but I was determined - which means it is close... that urge to HAVE to finish prepping, cleaning, buying for baby is REAL. It's a thing. And so thats what I'm doing now... up at ten pm when my body is at its max capacity with no naps on weekends when children are with me all day and having to use the bathroom every hour and then eat again while telling kids, no they can't have more snacks even though mommy can ... I am writing because I HAVE to - I HAVE to say that I finally feel like I can let go... 

Letting go. That's most of the battle right there. Letting yourself be slow, be less ambitious, be tired, be hungry, be big and balloony and be messy... Pregnancy is all of that. It's a force of nature beyond your control alone - anyone who has been pregnant knows its much more than it looks and that you are not prepared for the FEELINGS that come with it - whether during or post pardem ... Well, third time around, you know it's coming. Hence, I wasn't excited. But, slowly this baby has been accepted in my heart and mind and I have friends who have made it more exciting for me - thank you - telling me all the positive, the blessings, the comparisons that do make your mom days seem brighter. 

Ha'ea is all I've gotten so far. I saw a mountain range with meadows and sunshine and cool air. A happy place, with views and comfortable weather and plenty of room to grow - a free place. And then Makani saw it too one day - just caught in a daydream he saw a similar vision and called me saying, "you said it and I see it too - its her..." 

Ha - means breathe or breath

Ea - Soverign or Life itself 

Before I forget these days I had to  write down that its been ... bittersweet. Like, In the few days after finally getting most unpacked in the new house (moving in your last 6 weeks pregnant is a killer), I found myself listening to Adele over and over and crying quiet tears - somehow not sad tears but like you are watching the end of a romance movie kind of tears. Between the two, Moving and Having a New Baby, I definitely said goodbye to the "old loves" and filtered out my life - of worn out handbags and heels (4 inch strappys are my weakness), old work files and financial records, of expired medicines and cosmetics (and of course, the sale of all our major furniture) ... but most interestingly, I found myself reading through old diaries and poetry i wrote throughout the years and saw how unsatisfied I was until now... how much work it took to trust in love and family and believe in myself even though I always believed in others ... I was able to throw out items that acted like emotional insurance policies - those just-in-case-things-fall-apart-sentiments ... And so even though, yes, having kids back to back indeed dooms you for the heating-fire and especially a third unplanned and with the many changes it forces on you, your homelife, your finances, your romantic relationship, your family relationships, your self-esteem, your career, your physical health, your physical looks, your emotional control, your mentality... Sometimes fire purges and refines whatever is left into gold. 

So Ha'ea, I'm just trusting you are bringing me into the best of myself. Trusting that you will take me to that untouched mountain meadow and keep sunshine in my hardest days. That through the burning hours that you rip my hips from my back (coming anytime now), that I'll be in that better place with you - that we can indeed change, recover, grew and renew again and again... that cool air and free space will bring us all back to the true, simple beauty in having a breath of life. 

Amen

Secret Stress of the 3rd Pregnancy

Silence. It’s been awhile, I know. 

6 months pregnant  

Heat, Swelling, Blurry Vision, Headaches, Dry Throat, Hunger, Crushed Breathing, Constipation, Tears - at all things from Adele’s heart-aching lyrics to having no energy left to again wash all the pee-soaked sheets, blankets and pillows of my children’s double bed… That’s been the uphill battle until about a month ago. I finally could brush my teeth in the morning without throwing up once I hit 6 months pregnant. 

Groin pains - most women don’t talk bout it but let’s be honest, it happens in many pregnancies and it is sore. Doc says most women have more and more pains in legs, hips, back, and groin in their 2nd, 3rd, 4th pregnancy even if they had smooth sailing pregnancies previously. Your body gets worn in. Baby making is rough.  Your joints need 18months to 3 years to heal and I never had that time to recover... my veins are swollen and you can feel this pressure like they are going to burst. Advice is to rest and lay with hips up - which is impossible if you have diapered toddlers to run after. And you can’t take much for it - Tylenol can only do so much (and you can't take anything stronger as it damages the baby development). So its been Lavender. Straight lavender oil is what I started rubbing around my legs and belly and crouch because nothing else relieved that deeply-bruised feeling of that extra 22 pounds dropping into your groin all day…

22 pounds is what some women gain in the entire pregnancy but for me - at 22 pounds over my pre-pregnant weight, I was being told that the baby and placenta wasn’t quite reaching its growth mark for the 5 month “healthy fetus”…

In addition, I’ve been stressed about my kids teeth which, due to genetics of having deep grooves, are more prone to decay than the other kind of teeth apparently - and surprise, sugars are not the only cause of cavities but the amount of times a day food causes acids to sit in the mouth! The reality that my brushing and flossing and choice of “healthy” foods wasn’t enough to be decay free was such a huge blow to my already-depleted emotional strength. Searching for the right combination of diet became an obsession (turns out breads and pastas are a huge decay factor and calcium without enough magnesium and vitamin d combined, can make the absorption of calcium inefficient! Meats provide some of the best bone strength). Talk about going insane with research! I couldn’t sleep - I was up reading everything from scientific studies to mama blogs to ancient wives’ tales…

Recipe for "green cupcakes" without sugarcane coming soon... 

As if that’s not enough, I have been on the hunt for the right kind of preschool for my kids as this new baby will add a whole new dynamic to the part-time daycare/preschool life we have had. I had dropped down from working full time, to part time since my oldest was born, and was lucky to have minimized those hours to even less once my second was born (as I had two babies before my oldest was two year old). While part-time daycare worked fine until now - any mom who has had multiple kids knows that to have three kids under 5 years old is extremely difficult to balance without family help or a nanny and the stress of attending to so many needs of different children leave your own mom-body depleted of nutrients and rest needed to recover physically, emotionally and mentally… so, I had to make that decision of how do we do this? Full-time preschool sounded correct, yes - but then you have to think about the needs of each child and how they respond to that school and environment. Of course, my first concern is making sure they are not neglected or mishandled (especially when a child can’t fully talk yet, you are so nervous that they are being mistreated), but there are other important factors that come up as your child gets older. When a child is bored, they act up or become more dramatic in emotions, so being sure that they are stimulated enough or in the way that keeps them wanting to go the that school is important. When a child is around other kids, they pick up their talks, habits, and attitudes which can greatly jeopardize your teachings or your own parental values that you work so hard to enforce, so being in a setting that enrolls similar type of families is something that does matter. The cost of a school of course matters as well - especially if you are putting two or more children in preschool at the same time (as we are) … many people do not realize there are no public preschools - and a legal, accredited preschool costs anywhere from a few hundred a month for part-time (like 2-4 hours a few days a week) to almost a couple thousand a month for a standard 6-8 hour day five days a week. Then of course, there is the location of the school in relevance to you, your job, your commute route, or perhaps the quality of the neighborhood it is in (some schools have the problem of reckless homelessness around).

Trying to continue with swelling pains and the exhaustion that comes with pregnancy (it increases each pregnancy doc says), the demands of the other two toddlers, the housework, all the doctor appointments (1-3 times a month for pregnancy), a change in diet, obsessive teeth brushing (like I carried around a toothbrush for every after-snack cleaning with the kids ), the school appointments, while in holiday traffic and holiday lines with kids in tow and swallowing that fact that maybe something could go wrong with this baby (that's the worst feeling - you keep wondering if you could have done something different, if it's maybe your fault), had me dreaming nightmares for a few weeks.

Things finally started looking up these last couple weeks. Another ultrasound confirmed that the baby’s growth increased to meet par, I doubled my weight gain in one month ( I was tripping and banging my hips on everything for 3/4 weeks of intensive growth)… I found a dentist with a more holistic approach to dentistry which is almost nonexistent in Hawaii (I found out the hard way) and was able to get confirmation on my new-found research of diet, timing, habits, and genetics effect on teeth health and save my kids teeth from undergoing more intensive procedures recommended by other dentists! whew! It’s still a process, we still have decay to fix and stop from proceeding but it is much less invasive and horrifying than it could have been … And we found a school that offers the kind of pre-k program to keep my inquisitive daughter entertained and interested and my son guided into the “big boy” independence he so proudly displays. Now, it's onto finishing up the required vaccinations for entry and potty-training of my 2 year old (which, we need to do before baby comes in 9 weeks - as experienced moms know that will be hell if we wait till after new baby comes)…

So, I can breathe again. 

For now. 

A lot of people forget the chaos of childbearing once their kids are in elementary but for those of you still in it - Our lives are intense. I have to say you are not nearly as stressed about a 3rd baby coming - mentally, because you have already had two experiences to give you a very good reality of what is coming (unlike the naive 1st time mom). You also dread the third child because you have a clear reality of how stressful it is to have a new baby. And your body is definitely taking the hit 3rd time around, unfortunately. I heard that from a few moms of 3/4 children - but you really don’t know how much so, till it happens. So hence, I’m telling it all - because I wish people were more honest about motherhood instead of letting movies and Instagram keep it secret. We moms need each other to say that it’s not perfect. It’s beautiful, yes, but its crazy and draining too. You are not alone - I also feel stuck, tired, or unattractive some days … but most importantly - You will survive because I did! You will feel amazing again one day, because I was in your shoes, and I did! Thank you to all you mom-of-3-plus-children who told me the truth and kept me going…

On the positive, I got see my baby's face recently - I haven't ever seen my growing baby so far along in a pregnancy before because, if under 35 and a normal pregnancy, insurance doesn't cover ultrasounds (as you don't need them) after the initial 4 month anatomy scan. So, seeing a face so fully formed and a body so plump (as opposed to at 4months when a fetus looks scrawny) brightened up this trimester. She's a pretty one and very active I've been told...

All I can draw of the dreams I've seen of her

No full name yet, waiting for this one to tell me more about her as the other two did (See the other posts in this section). Now that the stressful climax is over, I feel more ready to hear her story. So far, I saw dreams of a mountain area, somewhere in colder air, and clean without urban dwellings near. I saw darker, straight hair and a more earthy girl (than the more princess type of person with wavy hair that I saw in dreams of my oldest) with a simple jeans and a t-shirt on. "Ea" I heard. Which can mean a few things along the lines of (wehewehe.org):

ea

1. n. Sovereignty, rule, independence. Lā Hoʻihoʻi Ea, Restoration Day. Hoʻihoʻi i ke ea o Hawaiʻi, restore the sovereignty of Hawaiʻi.

2. n. Life, air, breath, respiration, vapor, gas; fumes, as of tobacco; breeze, spirit (Isa. 42.5). This ea, as well as ea 1, 3, 4, is sometimes pronounced or sung ʻea. Cf. eamāmā, eaolamāmā. Kaha ea, to deprive of rights of livelihood. Wai ea, aerated waters. Hoʻopuka ea, exhaust fumes. Ua mau ke ea o ka ʻāina i ka pono (motto of Hawaiʻi), the life of the land is preserved in righteousness. He palupalu lākou, he ea hele wale aku (Hal. 78.39), they were flesh, a wind that passes away. Kāʻili ʻia aku ke ea o ʻAberahama (Kin. 25.8), Abraham gave up the ghost; lit., the breath of life was snatched away.

3. vi. To rise, go up, raise, become erect. Cf. aea, eʻea, hōʻea. Kai ea (Kep. 183), rising sea. Ua ea kona poʻo, his head was raised. Ke ea ʻana o ka ʻai, ka iʻa (Kep. 97), the obtaining of poi, fish.. ʻAʻole hoʻi au e ea maluna o koʻu wahi moe (Hal. 132.3), I will not go up into my bed. (PPN eʻa.)

 But there is so much more left to come I'm sure...

Surviving the Insanity of Infant Life

Many new moms call me to cry about the stress they feel - I get it. I have break downs too. Here is a little inside of my feelings coming right out of my son's first year...

I actually wrote this in January - It just took me forever to get this blog up with all the damn parties of my family and holidays. Get this: Kanai (my son) had his 1st Birthday party (of 225 people) November 7th, then was Thanksgiving, Christmas, my daughter (Elia) had a mermaid themed 3rd birthday party, then was New Years, and finally my hubby's 36th Birthday this past Sunday night. 

I made it back to my prebaby body which is a huge thrill (a whole 60lbs less back to size 1) but also a task to keep up with in sorting through clothes and shopping for new ones (that still allow breastfeeding, child play move-ability, and improve my “mom" confused self esteem) while dragging around two crying, fighting, laughing, wriggling out of the stroller and arms - toddlers. I also feel the post partum-hormone drops and that means some days I’m fixated on the down...

It’s such an insecure time transitioning out of being only concerned about keeping the helpless infant fed, clean, clothed, without anything to choke on, without anything to disturb it from its necessary sleep, concerned of eating the right things to supply the right breast milk while stressed of the need to be fair in emotional attention between him and my older baby, also in diapers, also needing food prepped and constant help with using household basic items, the adjustments in learning and growth – the ever constantly needing more than 2-hour-at-a-time sleep all while being consumed in the mess and demands of your diapered ones to the point of not knowing what day or time it is or when you last brushed your teeth… 

So now that Kanai can wobble-walk and doesn’t need constant carrying, and is no longer completely helpless to suffocation if a blanket accidentally covers his face, nor is as needing of full day breastfeeding, and is not needing a change in poopy diaper every hour – all of which mean I can get a whole five minuets of something done every so often (a huge win of time compared to before)… the current thoughts are constantly: what next?

I want to be around adults again, and yet I don’t want to regret missing time with my kids…I want to make money and feel some power again instead feeling at the need of my husband (who has done a wonderful job of providing in the hellish Hawaii costs of living but of course has gotten used to material provisions being his sole role enabling him to be feeling less responsible to relieve me of my 24hr child duty as seems a common trend among couple I've spoken to) and yet my absence from full time immersion of any commercial workforce since mid-first -pregnancy four years ago, means I will have to start at a lower end position without feeling secure in my abilities to meet par – basically relearning how to work as a company among adults who have no idea of how hard my past year of birth recovery, and family growth has been, nor aware of how consumed I already am still forced to maintain my full time obligation of mom to the continuous shopping of newer bigger needs of growing children, tantrum and learning pains that come with, the guilt I feel if I have no energy left from the work day to be able to laugh and play with my children for the remaining hours after traffic, preparing dinner, bathes, clean up and laundry… and the biggest one: the disconnect in my relationship with daddy due to having replaced him as priority in the last year (understandably, as all moms must) and pregnancy prior, as nature forced me to…that although there is no outward resentment from him, there are definitely signs of the gap and unfamiliarity of each other as lovers or even as friends as our identities have been lost to the love-hate role of parents. That we haven’t been to even have a basic casual conversation without being interrupted by a cry, feeding, mess to clean up immediately, or diaper change – let alone snuggle or share in foreplay…that sex has been minimal and straight to the point without any waste of precious seconds without the children needing us. And then of course there is the big noticeable debt of extra costs each added baby has brought…which is the whole reason the thoughts of working again seem to come in my mind even though I don’t feel ready for such…

Elia around 8 months

Hence, the reason for blogging... sanity and the need to connect to other moms...of course there is the good stuff too. Next to come.